Wondering. Restless. Kind of in limbo right now.
That’s me.
Anyone else feel the same?
So ……… resigned my position as Vicar in Richmond, Nelson because it seemed like the right time – for me and them.
Next step: move to Canterbury.
Why Canterbury?
Three adult children, three partners, and 8 1/2 grandchildren, who we love, all live in the region. We want to be closer to them. (We = husband and me)
So we both left jobs.
We’ve found a gorgeous house that we hope to buy. Kind owners are letting us rent it for now.
Problem: we have no jobs and we need one or two to pay a mortgage so we can buy gorgeous house.
“Things will work out” they say.
“God will provide” others offer in efforts to reassure.
It’s very easy to be staunch before reality hits. Jobs/ministry/whatever you want to call it are actually harder to find than we thought.
The house we are currently renting is in a small village. it’s nice and quiet………….and has beautiful garden.
In this garden are flowering cherries and camellias and rhododendrons and daffodils and tulips and daphne and ………. I want to stay here forever.
Not feeling quite so staunch right now –
Here is my current wondering: Does having faith mean feeling sure and certain and staunch or is faith just as real in the wondering and uncertainty and trying to patiently let things unfold too?
A recent quote I read goes like this: I believe if you keep your faith, you keep your trust, you keep the right attitude, if you’re grateful, you’ll see God open up new doors. …
Really?
Does how God acts depend on me? Do I have to have it all together? If that’s true then I reckon I’m up s… creek without a paddle.
The God I am beginning to discover (yep only beginning after being sold short for so many years) is not dependant on me in any way, shape or form.
Surely this God will act in ways that are good – good for me and for all of creation – regardless of how much ‘faith’ I do or don’t have.
Maybe faith has nothing at all to do with what will happen, how God will act, what life will dish up.
I’m with the Dad who says “I believe; help my unbelief”.*
Maybe faith is more about hanging on, in the midst of doubt and uncertainty, to the idea that there is One who is truly good.
And that somehow that One is working good things out?
- Cool story in the Bible. Mark 9:14 – 29
I can really relate to all that right now. I have Lymphodema in my leg and next week I go for another 5 days of physio which I dread and so I am not in the best place right now. Then on Sunday evening at Church people offered to pray for healing for me and I agreed.
Nothing has happened. My leg is still the same. I still have to have physio next week, I still can’t buy pants off the shelf, I will still struggle to buy shoes, and I can’t wear dresses or skirts unless they are long enough to hide my disability or people will stare at me. Then there is the pain and discomfort as well. So I am asking myself, ‘why do some people receive healing while others don’t?’
Faith is a strange thing. Some people’s faith can be destroyed by the smallest incident while others, like me, cling to everlasting hope through the promises of God regardless of what is happening in their lives.
Hang in there Susan, God sometimes tests us, but he never leaves us.
Hey Kay, thanks so much for your honesty. I guess that’s what i want to achieve with these blog posts. i’m sick of superficial stuff which passes for Christianity in some circles.
i think that doubts and questions authenticate rather than reduce faith.
back to the healing or not thing – someone famous posted on fb a while back (don’t know her name and can’t find the shared post) that God could heal her however he chose: surgery, drugs, supernaturally immediately now or later or through physical death. Brave eh!
Hi Susan ,that does not sound at all like the Susan I know ,bright ,cheerful ,loyal and focused .We all have downers but somehow we see through those upsets , over the past few weeks I been questioning myself reflecting on my past life ,like yourself right ones and wrong ones , but love for family and friends around me always brings one back to reality Hell I wish we could sit down and have a chat over coffee together , but that’s not going to happen your lucky you’ve got Kevin to love and your family around you ,your sermons focused a lot on love ,now you’ve got to have faith in yourself but most importantly love yourself first and foremost . Hey someone has a birthday coming up ,but I don’t know where to send a card ,which has much more meaning than a Facebook message Love John
Hi John, thanks for your support. Not actually down at all. Just wanting to be more honest and authentic in my life and faith. There’ll always be questions and doubts i hope. They make me think and communicate with others and with God more. all good
Sounds like a very different journey for you…And Kevin, Susan.
And I don’t think you need trite responses from me. However, I will be praying for you as continue the journey.
Blessings,
Ann.
Thanks Ann. Appreciate prayers. I find my own prayers have changed heaps over the years. I seldom ask the One who answers for specifics anymore. Most often i lift situations and people for Divine embrace and comfort and celebration. However i do confess that there has been the odd “Please can we have this house”.
Hi there Susan love reading you Blog.
You are in limbo. Time for your listening skills to be sharpened.
God has a place for you it’s just not quite the time and are you following your thoughts or Gods.
Miss your smiling face and our chats.
Just off now to the Church to open up for the day and see who God is going to bring along today
Thanks Marie, i think following a bit of both. But the questions around faith and what it actually is remain. Read some comments yesterday from Peter Rollins book: How not to talk about God. And he asks if we’d still follow Jesus if there was no resurrection ie if there were no promises of eternal life. I’m not sure how i’d answer that one.